My life

is just a big ole' mess these days. I will be in Beijing in five days(ish). The time zones confuse me a bit... I am currently at my mother's house. We got all of my clothes into the spare bedroom today. Who knew I was such a shopping addict? I am starting to feel like everything I am doing is wrong. Regret is such a funny thing... I don't think I regret my decisions but, then again, I don't feel their full effects as of yet.

What's in a home?

It still doesn't feel real. The end of my time in America. The end of my friendships. The end of my relationship. Nothing feels real to me. I am numb. Numb to life.

The scariest thought: When will this all catch up to me? Will it be before I leave or when I'm alone in another country with no way to get in touch? I don't know which would be easier. I can't imagine it will be very easy when I wake up as a stranger. A stranger lost in a new world. I feel like I am going and I have no one and nothing to remind me of home. I don't want to spend my time away as a depressed mess. I hope I am able to go and get to know myself and grow without needing the comfort of a partner. I want to live in the unfamiliar. I am welcoming uncharted territory to my new life.

I decided today that I would start meditating. This is what happens when I spend too much time with my mom- I start to become her. Scary. So tomorrow brings meditation day one. Thirty minutes a day. Silence. I am hoping it will help me get past my anxiety. My goal is to be able to go to that doctor's appointment in China and have my blood drawn for the first time in my life without passing out or freaking out. Apparently meditation reduces the part of your brain that signals stress. I definitely need to shrink that lobe a bit. Meditation may help me with the ridiculous flight I have to take alone on Monday. I have to focus on my breathing and nothing else. They said every time your mind wanders to refocus on your breathe. Thankfully I am a pretty heavy breather... shouldn't be an issue.

I keep checking whose online on Facebook. I'm waiting to see his name. I'm wishing I would. I'm wishing I could change my mind. I'm wishing this wasn't happening. I'm wishing it was easier.

Life really isn't easy.

I am going to read Anna's blog to get myself pumped up to go. I'm staying up way too late but I don't care. Time is flying and I'm scared if I go to sleep then I will wake up already in China forgetting to stop and smell the roses.

Mandarin lesson:
Chénsī (meditate)